Welcome Aboard The Black Pig - Shipping & Freight Blog

The Outer Limits of this Shipping and Transport Game

I was reviewing the Handy Shipping Guide categories today and looking at some of the things many hardened transport types turn their noses up at. You know the sort of thing IT companies (Geeks), Legal and Financial Services (Vultures), Insurers (Hyenas) you get the picture.

Not my views you understand but I’m sage enough to know, especially when times are hard, that everyone in the industry pulls the belt in another notch and slams the door on the foot of anyone peddling that which they perceive as non essential.

So let’s review the options.

I.T. Now there’s two letters that provoke extreme reactions. Suffice it to say that the world really is moving forward. Just not necessarily in the right direction. A modern company absolutely needs to stay abreast of the “trends” (hate that word). The smallest self employed white van man now uses technology undreamt of even twenty years ago. Each has a mobile phone and a sat nav (where would he be without that? Lost probably comes the logical answer).

Legal and Financial. Well I confess I’m struggling to rush to defend the lawyers. Suffice it to say that there are occasions when they are essential. Without a legal background it would be impossible to argue an effective case in front of a Court. Why then do I feel they are learning their trade every time one speaks up for me? Oh, and if you consider them responsible for the ambulance chasing, no win, no fee ruddy awful TV adverts I doubt Rumpole himself could put up a credible case for them. Suffice it to say that if you need to prosecute your cause or defend it, a good lawyer is worth his weight. Just make sure you find him. Financial, sorry I can’t kick a man when he’s down, besides I might need a few quid one day, just remember, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. Again, if you find a good one, hang on to him/her for grim death.

And so to Insurance. It was thinking of this lot that inspired this particular blog. Now some of my very best friends are Marine Insurers.

And I love them all dearly.

But somewhere hidden in the deep, dark recesses of the Captains mind, riding above the bit of the brain that manages humour and behind the pile of parrot crap I confess I have always thought they are in the safest profession in the world.

Like a mob casino they simply play the odds. If it costs them one year, sure as eggs is eggs, they claw it back the next.

But then Goods in Transit and Marine Insurance aren’t a bit like that policy Curry’s et al try to sell you when you pick up your new microwave, tumble drier etc. In our business (I’m assuming here you’re associated with freight/transport/logistics and not some stray surfer washed up on the deck of the Black Pig) Insurance is a must. And so in case you need a little reminder here are some shots of why it’s important.

You don’t have to watch it all, but it covers a lot of genuine marine stuff from container ships through to roll on roll off.

Getting that lot out of the way made me think that it’s the blue water/blue collar people that really make trans world trade happen. So in tribute here is a short film that sums up, better than I can, what really happens whilst you sit at your desk complaining that “a little weather” and your cargo is three days late and you’ve had the importer on the ‘phone, and he thinks he can sue because you “guaranteed” it would be here (I trust you weren’t that stupid).

So this is for you lads and lasses out there on the world’s great ocean bringing home the bacon (or more probably electricals, tennis balls, terracotta pots etc).

A Glossary of Shipping Terms (or otherwise)

We at Handy Shipping Guide are currently preparing a full dictionary for our avid readers compiling all the most used, yet oft misunderstood, freight and transport related phrases.

Here then is the Captain’s alternative version of some well known INCO and general terms.

This week: A to B

Actual Gross Weight - The sum of the container weight, tractor pulling it and the payload contained in it.

Alt: The actual weight of a woman on a diet who has reduced the weight shown on the dial of her bathroom scales by the imaginary factors of 1) supposed mass of her clothes, 2) the “uneven” floor 3) the unreliability of the machine which, she believes, always weighs “heavy” 4) the amount of wine/tea which she has recently consumed 5) the weight of water she is “retaining” due to miscellaneous biological factors.

Ad Hoc - Latin phrase meaning "for this"; in business used to indicate a single end or purpose, a onetime application.

Alt: The repairs carried out by do it yourself husband “temporarily” which will in fact never be rectified until the lady of the house gets the builders in.

Aground – The inadvertent beaching of a vessel. Grounding of a ship which has travelled in water less than her permissible draft.

Alt: Where you can play football in the lunch hour.

Alternate Routing – Routing that is less desirable than the normal but results in identical terms.

Alt: The route, no matter how out of the way and convoluted, driven by a man who refuses to look at the map being proffered by his spouse whilst insisting that he knows “a better/prettier/faster way”.

Authority (US) – Operating rights granted by a motor carrier by the Interstate Commerce Commission.

Alt: When linked to knowing one’s whereabouts – a husband. For all other matters – a wife.

Bank Draft – Bill of exchange drawn by one bank to another.

Alt: The cold wind which chills the spine when one reads a financial statement.

Barge – The cargo-carrying vehicle used primarily by inland water carriers.

Alt: The act of knocking all opposition out of the way whilst heading for an overcrowded bar.

Beam – Greatest width of a ship’s structure.

Alt: A drunken smile

Blanket Rate – A rate that does not increase according to the distance the commodity is shipped.

Alt: The cost of bedding a woman when all factors (Taxi’s, meals, drinks, fur coats etc.) are taken into account.

Bracing – Securing a shipment inside a carrier’s vehicle to prevent damage

Alt: The effect of a stiff drink after suffering a Bank Draft (see above).

Breakbulk – 1) To unload, sort and reload some/all of the contents of a vehicle in transit; 2) to reduce a large shipment of a single commodity to many small shipments that are then dispersed to various buyers.

Alt: To end a relationship with an overweight partner

Bulk Carrier – Vessel engaged in carriage of bulk commodities like petroleum, grain, or ore, which are not packaged, bundled, bottled, or otherwise packed.

Alt: Fat Bloke.

Bulkhead – Upright wall in trailer or rail car that separates and stabilizes a load; 2) cargo restraining partition in a vehicle or vessel.

Alt: Excess of managers

Business Statistics – The physical movement of goods from supply points to final sale to customers and the associated transfer and holding of such goods at various intermediate storage points, accomplished in such a manner as to contribute to the explicit goals of the organization.

Alt: Lies (and damn lies etc).

Fourth Estate? More like Fourth Rate - Reporting Standards in the Freight and Transport Press

Now THAT’s what we call a serious reporter. The lovely Erin Andrews.

Serious Journo head on tonight. Much of the work we do at the Guide is based on information we receive in various ways. We try to check all our sources but it is difficult because of time and quantitive constraints to get everything right.

Basically we cover two aspects of the logistics world in which we move.

The first is journalism, the second, information held in the Freight Directories themselves. Now as most of you know your Captain is an old fart who suffers from OCD and pedantry.

It just gets up my nose when we get things wrong.

When it comes to the guide it’s impossible for it to be right all the time, people move on, they change actual and virtual (e mail) addresses, websites are born, close or are suspended, people retire or die.

We are never going to reach that utopian state where we have everybody listed who should be, all in the right place and with perfect contact details and descriptions.

In mitigation I have to point out that we can only publish the information we’ve got to hand. If you’re in the guide and you know it, then you can’t complain if you change something and don’t tell us, then find it’s showing up wrongly at a later date.

So that’s a done deal and will always be so. No, what gets my goat is the first point.

Standards of journalism. Now anyone with a pulse between their ears knows nobody, BBC, Fox, CNN has a reporter everywhere in the world at once, all licking their pencils and clearing their throats, just in case a story breaks within half a mile. That’s why you’re being constantly exhorted to “text us” and “send in your (phone) videos” by the big broadcasters.

Well surprise, surprise we at HSG are just the same. We do have staff around the world but not however in every Country let alone every town. When a story breaks we do what everyone does and glean as much information as quickly as we can, from as many sources as we can. But then a strange thing occurs.

WE CHECK IT.

   Handy Shipping Guide Chief Reporter ("Where'sme 'ip flask")

Now the reason that when you Google a supplier and you get a wrong address or a wrong number is simple. The “information” websites simply copy each others details. If the first one gets it wrong then so do all the others.

Unfortunately many of the freight news services, indeed the news sources in general do the same copy and paste process on all their stories. So when the first one gets it wrong, so do all the others.

Want proof?

Look at the news on Handy Shipping Guide today and you’ll find a story “Radiation Fears Halt Freight Traffic” referring to a little ruck (now resolved) between Ukrainian and Slovakian authorities.

Notice the spelling of the main source, Ukrzaliznytsya, the Ukrainian rail company.

Now check the spelling with every other of the 30 odd reports (I bet you don’t – not being as pedantic as some). They all get it wrong.

Every, ruddy, simple minded one.

Some even refer to Slovenia not Slovakia!

Now I’m not saying we’re perfect, but I know at least I can nod off at night knowing we’ve done all we can to provide you with accurate facts.

So if one of us keeps pestering you to confirm some details about the new terminal your company just opened in Ulan Bator please don’t pretend to be “in a meeting”.

We know where you work, and we’ll spell your name wrong.

Promise.

No wonder everyone hates reporters.

When Brittania Ruled the Waves (an autobiographical fable)

Once upon a time when the Captain was moored for a year or two up at the Docks near Limehouse he met a wise man from across the sea.

The man had a huge ship, part of one of the biggest fleets on the Ocean of Industry. It was ironic really because the man was German and the vessel he skippered sailed under a Swiss flag (which you all know is a landlocked place far away in the Land of Other Peoples Money).

Now the Captain and the German liked each other and they would discuss the bigger things in life, God, R.H. & D charges, Freight Rates and the price of fish.

One day, back in the mists of time, around the year of Our Lord 1989, the German said “I shall let you into a secret (sorry I can’t do the accent) “one day all zis vill be mein (Oh! So I can)”.

The Captain puzzled at the Germans words and asked him to elucidate.

The German explained that he was privy to a great plan to rule all the Oceans of the world, to have an alliance with the Admirals of the four other great fleets, to chase and harry the English privateers who picked at the bones of the great body of Logistics and siphoned off great treasures. He and his allies had sworn to cut and slash at the rates until the smaller buccaneers were beaten down, starved, and swallowed up by the mightier fleets from across the waters of the world.

The Captain heard his words and he was not afear’d. Although a younger man, he had steered his lonely course through the Shoals of Despond and past the reefs of Recession and through the maelstrom of Industrial Depression for twenty years or more, man and boy, and he knew the oak which braced the backs of the English Forwarders (for that is what they were called). And when the German had proudly boasted of his plotting, the Captain explained in turn that others had tried before to take over English Shipping territory, Dutchman who dropped the rates overboard, Frenchies and Flemish who threw money at the sales crew who swarmed, grappling irons in hand, to board all before them.

They had not reckoned however on the craft of the British, who laid up their little cheap ships and hid when the storm raged, working in the local pubs and insurance offices, waiting till the Foreign Johnnies had run low on shot, ball and money, then swarming out to ring their brothers' in law and their mates from the golf club, who ran the Shipping departments of the big exporters, to get the work back in the family.

The counterattack swept all before it and swiftly and surely the English always had regained their footholds in the overseas places they craved, and the enemy was humbled.

All this, the Captain told his friend who smiled enigmatically and they agreed to differ. Our skipper thought that perhaps this man was not as wise as he had first thought. The Captain sailed off for new lands, taking his trusty crew on different voyages of discovery, aboard several vessels, some great, some smaller, always thinking that the fight was won, perhaps never to return.

The poor German was killed some time later, betrayed and fighting a rearguard action against old allies, pitied by his comrade and never seeing his plans fulfilled, and the Captain often thought of his words and how wrong his friend had been.

Years later, the Captain returned after his very, very long voyage. He put ashore in his native land and breathed the sigh that a man only can when he reaches the country of his birth.

At first he looked about him, contented to be back in familiar surroundings. Then he began to notice little things, signs of change.

Where once British ships anchored, the air filled with mixed dialects, of Geordie, Scot, Scouse and Cockney, giant alien craft lie, strange exotic symbols for their names, their crews spoke in guttural accents and high lilting tones, not of this land. Where cargoes of steel, coal and machinery lay awaiting loading, now oblong boxes spewed forth manifold goods of foreign make, electricals, textiles, toys and games and Jackie Chan DVD’s, their boxes all covered in hieroglyphics, to be carried off inland by hauliers with names unknown to him in vehicles all of foreign manufacture (except the LDV’s which broke down a lot and had been Dutch and then possibly Russian).

As the Captain looked about he realised the old shops and warehouses had been torn down and the names which now adorned them were strange to him. The National Freight Corporation wharf, the Ocean Group docks, the Tibbett and Brtten outfitters carried the sign “Exel” but this had been half painted out and Deutsche Post replaced it. ANC the carriers yard was FedEx, Hays Wharf was now Kuehne and Nagel, LEP had become Agility and had men in desert robes staffing it, the yellow Lynx now a gold and black UPS, faithful Bernards and the naturalised Swede, Christian, carried the French flags of Bollore and Norbert. In the railyard a Deutsche Bahn sign swayed in the breeze, not the EWS of old. Gist were Linde, Gazeley had become Dubai World and a shudder passed through him when he saw the triple standards of P & O, a symbol of Empire, now showed the colours of the UAE DP World and AP Moeller-Maersk.

The Captain stood for a while his head bowed in sorrow. He breathed deep and walked back toward his new ship, the blue buttons of her newly painted figurehead gleaming in the setting sun.

Tomorrow he would sail again! And carry his message back around the world. He would encourage his countrymen to throw off their torpor, strike the mainsail and head off East to re-conquer exotic lands. For God, Prince Harry and St. George!

A breeze blew up and the skull and crossbones of the Black Pig fluttered in the air as the captain walked to his cabin to complete his log.

So where the Hell is London Airport?

Yet again the touchy subject of airport names has resurfaced.

At what point does the name of an airport stop being a place indicator and become a wilful misdirection?

The naming by travel companies, Ryan Air are much cited (Vienna East is Bratislava!!!, wrong country Paddy), for destinations which are in fact miles from where you actually want to land, has been a growing trend over the last few years. Poor schmuck Ted, Alice and the five kids land at what they thought was Barcelona and find themselves at Reus or Girona, both an hour and a half from their intended destination.

Now this common sleight of hand, whilst not exactly laudable, can be in part excused by the fact Edward and brood might be disappointed, but they only paid about 15 quid to fly to Spain, and of course, if they’d read the literature they would have figured this trick out before they booked, plus the airline is a business. If you want to land in Spain after a champagne breakfast and a head massage you can, but for more like £1500 than £15.

What is inexcusable is the latest insidious trick being perpetrated, not just by private companies struggling through the recession, but by local authorities, who, after years of disassociating themselves with the Metropolis, suddenly want to appear as though they are, in fact, two streets from Piccadilly with Pearly Queens eating jellied eels on every corner.

The latest crew to perpetrate this cynical con are the owners of Oxford Airport, that well known transit point for Tower Bridge. Backed by the local council and the Thames Valley Chamber of Commerce the airstrip has transmogrified into “London Oxford Airport”. This they say “will attract more visitors”. Yes. It probably will. More visitors who will be very p***sed off when they find out where they’ve landed.

You can see Oxford’s point. They’re only 62 miles from the City, and they’ll point out to anyone who’ll listen, London Ashford is 73 miles from Town so not that bad, nah, nah.

Ashford will tell you that they are “in London” because the rail links are good.

What? The links from Cape Canaveral to the moon are the best available but it’s not a peninsula made of green cheese!

Oxfords argument is even more choice. When asked about the Kidlington situated airport’s non existent rail links to London, came the answer, “Rail links aren’t a problem, most travellers are business passengers, many with drivers to collect them”.

Really? So what happened to all those “new visitors” you just told us would be flooding in like misdirected lemmings? Answer came there none.

Here, in case you’re interested are the actual distances from London for all its “orbital” airports. So far that is, Aberdeen airport is suffering from the credit crunch I hear and after all's said and done it’s only about an hour or so from London. By plane that is.

London City nine miles (15km)

London Heathrow 18 miles (29km)

London Gatwick 30 miles (48km)

London Luton 34 miles (55km)

London Stansted 43 miles (69km)

London Southend 43 miles (69km)

London Oxford 62 miles (100km)

And last but not least : - London Ashford 73 miles (117km)!!!

Coming to London? Best bring your walking boots folks.