More Nonsense Speak from the Masters of Duplicity

Writing up the comings and goings of the freight industry worldwide can, it must be said, become a little tedious.

Not least this happens because some of the press releases and statements that emanate from the hierarchy of shipping companies of every hue can be seen to be, well quite frankly, downright ruddy boring.

These things are never helped by the fact that whoever issues these little gems always wants to put a positive spin on things and, let’s be frank, get their names in the papers.

To give you a taste of this here is the tale of a major overseas company whose progress we at the Handy Shipping Guide follow closely. Our main reason for doing so is that they are an effective barometer for the state of their particular corner of the industry in their little (actually very big) part of the world.

The latest financial statement came out for this lot recently and our job (as we see it, correct me if I’m wrong) is to transpose the salient facts into a simplified form for anyone out there interested enough to read it.

So I read it, well actually I didn’t, my eyes did that running over the page thing but the neurons were a kip because none of the stuff arrived up above.

Often the case; I’d been sitting here eleven hours straight so please excuse me if the grey matter was reminiscent of a sea fog rather than a the cut throat razor of a mind I’m famous for (sic).

In England we have a cure for the problem.

Cup of tea.

Sorted.

Re-read offending report.

Nope. Zilch, nothing, nowt, nada.

So was this a sharp piece of writing, a concise picture of a massive conglomerate? Or a self indulgent, cover your tracks, spew forth words till they get bored type of report?

See what you think. In four paragraphs there were written the following phrases, sometimes several times and often in chimera like combinations.

“impairment charges on goodwill intangible assets significant sequential improvement revolver reserve contingent convertible deferral debt pay downs asset-backed securitization facility commitment fee revolver capacity existing revolver reserve outstanding USF % notes and its contingent convertible notes”

I’m not making this up.

“Revolver capacity” ?

“Existing revolver reserve outstanding” ?

That sounds suspiciously like “How many bullets does it take” and “How many slugs left in there” to me.

Maybe in an hour or so there will be a story there after all.

I thought by this stage that it probably wasn’t me so I took a quick look round the market to see what anybody (if anybody) else in the same trade had made of it.

Now don’t get me wrong, this is not a habit.

We like to think at the old HSG that we don’t follow trends but we look at things fresh and don’t put any spin on it, even when it’s something close to our hearts (read the Southend dredging story and see if you can tell I love fishing – by the way this is MY blog so make sure you’re actually going to build that Port boys before you screw up all those valuable breeding grounds – I can say what I like right here!).

Anyway, the accounts by our kindred spirits of the watery fourth estate about the company in questions own report might have as well been darts thrown at a board.

Some said “We’re doomed” others “Everything here is just peachy” and still more “Well it’s not great but things are looking up” (sounds like a three bears soundtrack), in other words no-one else could understand it either, or rather they understood the gist of it but the analysis was rather dependent on whether Camelot had rung to say come and collect the cheque, or the police were just on their way out with our fellow scribe’s computer in a plastic bag.

So don’t bother to find out what yours truly thought about it.

You won’t spot it on the front, or any other page.

If the company in question thought they could divert the gimlet eyed sleuths of the press from the reality of their financial situation – guess what? In my case they succeeded.

I haven’t a clue what the state of their company is, I am prepared to bet however that if they were finding it a problem where to put all their extra cash at least their quarterly reports would be comprehensible.

Comments

[Wotchit321]

The fact the company in question (hint: they're American...can you tell who it is yet?)put so much bollocks into their quarter results is dodgy if you ask me. Rule of thumb - Good news, it's set out like 'noddy goes to the bank'; "Noddy has had a GOOD year. He went to the bank with the principal share-holder, Big Ears, and they all had massive bonuses happily ever after..."
Bad News - Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb blah blah blah(continues for 457 pages)...you've stopped reading by now so, honestly, we're really in the shit blah blah rubarb rubarb (continues for another 254 pages).