Welcome Aboard The Black Pig - Shipping & Freight Blog

So Where Are those Ruddy Horseman ? Not on Our Patch.

Ahhh.

The sounds of British conversation, weather, weather, moan Ruddy Icelandics, coming over here, nicking our cash, exporting their air………..

Volcanic ash then, what’s that all about ?

Coldest may night in forty years.

Now there’s ANOTHER breakdown in the Channel Tunnel.

Can’t get any consignments there on time.

All we need then is a hurricane and dear old blighty can say the four men in black are riding their trusty steeds across the UK (common misconception that, they actually had a colour scheme more Viv Westwood than Alvin Stardust).

Take a look.

I don’t want to get biblical on your backsides but look at the facts:

Pestilence, (that’s the geezer on the white horse) fires his arrows into the crowd. What could that be then, swine flu? SARS? MRSA?

Pick a bug, any bug, let’s face it the biggest problem for most caused by the recent flu outbreak (considering it didn’t happen) was that the dear old Labour Government had spent millions upon millions buying in a vaccine which didn’t work and wasn’t necessary.

OK, OK. The Captain is a closet conspiracy theorist, but consider that, a few months before this stuff reached its sell by date they spread the vaccine amongst every GP in the country with instructions to “save the old and vulnerable” (and I don’t think they meant the government).

Every “Health Trust” (now there’s a contradiction in terms) in the country was coerced into spending hundreds of thousands of pounds on what seemingly was a useless, or near as dammit, preventative.

Now doesn’t that make you think maybe someone needed to save face?

Approach an election when you have to admit you’ve just slung millions of pounds worth of pharmaceuticals down the pan?

War, you don’t need me to figure that one out. Type in Wooton Basset or Helmand Province into your News browser.

Famine, (how come no grub equals the black horse, I’d have thought Death would have put up more of a fight for that one, maybe Famine used the old putrefaction argument, no, hang on, Death’s mount is pale green???).

Anyway, famine. Now the UK argument begins to run out of steam around here.

When the Captain’s hungry, he goes to the fridge just like most of his countrymen. None of us starve.

Consider that statement for five seconds.

None of us starve.

So maybe we should widen out this complaint into the ether to a global scenario and suddenly it all starts to make a lot more sense.

Pestilence, War, Famine and Death (you didn’t need assembly instructions for the Death argument).

When JC opened the fourth seal at the right hand of God (I can’t believe I’m going along with this) he released these four agents of evil upon the World, with me so far?

The World.

Not Folkestone, London Heathrow or Leamington Spa, but the lot of us.

As I don’t go much for the big beardy man (either ecumenically or sexually) I’m going to give Saint John the Evangelist who “revealed” all this stuff the benefit, and allow for the fact that this whole four blokes on gee gees is in fact a metaphor, although why he had to slander the son of God for releasing it on us when he came up with the tale goes right over my bonce.

We in the UK live in a wonderful world, the nature of which we fail to notice on an everyday basis.

When a drifting cloud of debris prevents us coming back from a short Spanish trip (don’t ask, 10 hours drive to Bilbao, hire car, hotel, ferry……), or a train gets stuck in the tunnel we seem to feel we have a hard life.

Not so.

The election dust having settled we know we’re in for a hard time, most of us look to the future with more than a little trepidation. Many will lose jobs, many more see living standards plummet, aspirations will need to be reined in.

Just don’t tell me it’s hard before you look at the wider picture.

They say a child dies every 17 seconds for lack of water on a planet where it covers most of the surface.

Next time I whinge in this column feel free to criticise.

.....(now come on be fair, I don’t care how devout you are, Death? Pale Green? What’s that all about?).

UK Election – What About The Freight And Shipping Sectors Gentlemen

Industry Representatives Say Talk is Cheap – But We Don’t Even Hear That

UK – With the UK General Election only days away, comments by leaders of the big three parties relevant to the shipping and transport industries are virtually non existent, evasive, or perceived as mere rhetoric by logistics analysts and representatives. The Road Haulage Association (RHA) launched another attack on what many industry watchers feel are merely insubstantial and vague policies.

The RHA point out that the ruling Labour Party position is for what they call “regular real term increases” (why use one adjective when two or three will do) with “tackling road congestion a key Labour priority” whatever that means.

They say the Conservatives will ‘consult’ on the introduction of a ‘Fair Fuel Stabiliser’ that would cut fuel duty when oil prices rise but increase it when they fall. That should be interesting as they give no clear indication what price levels will be set or how they will measure the fluctuations and over what periods. They will also fund new road projects through increased toll schemes.

The Liberal Democrats seem determined to simply avoid virtually any mention of what their targets for the industry are other than to say that “HGV’s will be charged to pay to fund high speed rail links”. Hard to see the connection on that one without any further details. Generally it is accepted that HSR projects are for the benefit of passengers, not freight carriers and yet apparently the Lib Dems seem to think the haulage industry should pay for further tax burdens to fund what is then presumably impractical schemes if left to fund themselves.

As the RHA say to add insult to injury, the party’s plans for re-opening closed rail lines and adding extra tracks will be paid for “by cutting the major roads budget”. Far from confidence-inspiring for the road user.

BIGOT - Street Definition 

BROWN IS GONE ON THURSDAY. Not Premier Browns finest Hour.

The PM is pictured showing his true feelings (for once) after being caught out leaving his microphone on and referring to a lifelong Labour Party supporter as "a bigoted woman".

This trend of obfuscation when it comes to setting out clear manifesto commitments and substituting general statements which are merely sound bites is one of the main reasons there is currently such a lack of confidence in voters across the country.

It would appear that the three main parties are so scared of demonstrating to the electorate just how bad things are, and consequently the draconian measures they will be bound to take to re-correct the economy, whilst falling over themselves in desperation to keep or obtain employment that, whoever one chooses to vote for, you will probably get a Peppa Pig in a poke. 

Photo Courtesy of Channel 5

It’s All Kicking Off Again - An Englishman’s (biased) view of the Falkland Islands

So the Argentines’ want the Falkland Islands “back”.

I use inverted commas because of course it’s well documented that they have rarely, if ever, actually lived there.

I heard a great argument this week that the first “modern” people (we discount any Patagonian Indians – history always discounts the Indians) who ever even visited historically were the so called Malouines.

These blokes emanated from Saint-Malo, which readers of this blog, all being intellectual behemoths, know to be a fishing port in North West France.

They were called Malouines because they were named after Malo, (pronounced as in Phillip) a disciple of Saint Brendan, who of course was Irish and may well have begun that country’s tradition of starting a brawl with a wind up then sitting drinking Guinness and watching the French, Spanish and English etc. going to town on each other.

He probably did it for a bet.

So let’s get this straight, some French guys rocked up, literally, ate a few penguins and pushed off.

For the purposes of navigation they called the clump of islands “ Les Îles Malouines” which to me seems to give the French a stronger case than the Argentines, who as we all know, ne parle pas francais.

These guys did not sail from South America but from France. They came from a buccaneering culture as Saint-Malo was centre of the French pirate economy. At one point they weren’t even French, Saint-Malo declared independence around 1490 and stayed that way for some years.

After les Malouines buggered off ships would pass the island on occasion and note various comments and features on their maps and intermittently stop for a penguin fry up or a “full Falkland” as it was known to the jolly Jack Tars.

Around 1764 those ruddy French bowled up, this time the sponsored official full expedition tour and camped out on one of the islands, presumably sticking up the mandatory flag and whistling La Marseillaise. Just round the corner a couple of months later, unaware of the garlic and cheese contingent who were obviously sitting down congratulating themselves and no doubt munching on an excellent “Penguine Provencale avec Champignons et Huitre”s in what is now East Falkland, John Byron, stout English bloke, swanned in and claimed it all for King George.

Two years later the Spanish “acquired” the French colony and then kicked out the English, later allowing them back after we went home and got Dad and brothers and stood outside their house shouting things about their mum.

To avoid another possible Armada style beating they chucked down the keys to the place but said it was only a lend. No mention of Argentina you’ll notice.

They were not yet ready to import some Welsh blokes to teach them how to play rugby in a bid to civilise the country.

And so it went on, in 1766 we packed it in as we had to fight the Yanks in an away fixture where, as usual, they got the ref’s decision. We left a note under the clock saying it was still our place and we’d only be away from the weekend.

The Spanish stuck it out till 1811 then jacked when it got a bit cold and they had nobody to talk to.

A few years later an American guy, all bigged up with a few years independence under his belt proved he couldn’t sail by crashing into the islands with a starving scurvy ridden crew. He had a pirates licence working for a Buenos Aires suit with the good old Spanish name of Patrick Lynch (I told you it was a Paddy plot). He stuck up the flag of his local River Plate football team and chucked the notes we and the Spanish had left to warn him off.

Argentina wasn’t even really Argentina when they stuck up a prison on their new “colony” in 1828. They flexed their muscles against the Yanks in a row over seal hunting when the French named German born (yes you knew they’d get in here somewhere) Governor impounded their ships and the Americans wiped out the colony in retaliation (think hostages, special forces – nothing changes) leaving a few very dodgy blokes stranded.

Five years later back came the Brits and let the stragglers stay on condition they behaved themselves and realised we owned the place. Being convicted criminals and pirates they fitted right in and one of the Franco/Kraut’s aides, inevitably an Irishman, was appointed as Governor.

The Royal Navy set up shop and all stayed quiet until the Great War when we sailed out and kicked the Germans about in a sea battle with the imaginative title “the Battle of the Falkands Islands” thus ensuring later hostilities would bear more evocative names. They sent five warships to raid the islands but a fleet of our own had turned up for tea the day before so we obliged them with a ruck, winning that one 3-0 with two sent off injured.

All was sleepy again until the next big punch up when the islands resupplied ships which trapped the Graf Spee in the Battle of the River Plate. Ironically the vessel was named after the bloke whose backside we kicked in the 1914 punch up. As is well known the towel was sensibly thrown in by the German skipper who turned his boat into a submarine. (see above)

Now of course the rest is pretty well known. The Argentines call the islands “Islas Malvinas” as they think “Los Falklands” sounds like a tribute flamenco band.

The modern political situation is of course centred around resources and the fact that elections are due in both Argentina and the UK. No incumbent Government can resist that appeal to the patriotic which a good territorial dispute brings but this one is given spice by the possible prospect of a huge oil strike.

I say possible advisedly. The four boreholes which an industry expert commented on recently as having produced “about 2 litres of oil” have nevertheless led to a major drilling investigation in search of the black gold.

Only the hostile conditions and remoteness of the region has prevented earlier exploration and even though the geological survey reveals ideal conditions for an oil field of some size is possible, industry experts put the chances of a major find at “no more than 10%”.

If the black stuff starts to bubble up be prepared for a row which will reverberate world wide.

Just Don't Mention The War (mentioned it once and I think I got away with it).

Transport and Strikes – A Short History

This week has seen a rise in publicity for a problem probably going back to the invention of the wheel.

"Sod this, There must be a better way to move rocks pointlessly from one point to another."

“A manageable support and energy transfer system produced using only sustainable and renewable local resources !

Ug. I must think outside the cave for this one.”  

.........................

"Have you noticed that since he introduced his transferrable energy system, that blond git sits around all day watching us work, the Neanderthals have all been laid off, and we're moving twice the amount of rocks around pointlessly for his 'Stonehenge Multi Modal Facility'."

Just before Christmas the UNITE union decided a strike over the holidays stranding thousands of passengers would be a good way to put their point across.

They conducted a ballot of all BA cabin crew who decided that this was a good idea and they would all enjoy a nice break at home whilst their customers nibbled cold mince pies on the soulless, cold, tiled floors of airports worldwide far from family and friends.

Luckily for BA travellers the union managed somehow to inadvertently ballot even members who had already opted to accept voluntary redundancy and were therefore ineligible to vote.

The line which the union took on that particular dispute was spectacularly ill judged.

To win public sympathy for a strike requires the cooperation of the media in assessing accurately the demands and complaints of the aggrieved workers.

A précis of how the BA dispute was perceived at the time was simply “We’re going to have to work harder now staff levels are being reduced to those of our competitors”.

As the public’s perception of BA cabin crew was a stunning, uniformed young woman playing with her tightly bound and immaculately coiffured hair whilst pouting and flirting or an effeminate guy plumping up the occasional old ladies pillow between minces this did not inspire swathes of sympathy amongst the travelling public.

This week that strike is back on again with the lesson learned – they won’t strike over Easter.

UNITE expressed outrage again this week when, once more, the Court told them they were acting unlawfully in the matter of the pilot (marine this time) strike at Milford Haven. Now this walk out has been scheduled for next week, one hopes a resolution can be found before then.

The Dublin dockers voted for a full return to work this week thanks in the main to a common sense approach by all parties, including the ITF who were praised by both sides, but now Network Rail supervisors and managers are due to vote on their own labour situation.

They are talking about strikes to include the day of the rugby Union international Scotland versus England at Murrayfield. Thanks lads, you’ll make a lot on inconvenienced old men very unhappy.

Overseas it’s not much rosier.

Take your pick, Lufthansa pilots, Greek dockers, French oil refineries, the South Africans really plan ahead, they have a general strike planned for – October !

In the Philippines they get cute, the shipping companies, oft blamed for killing thousands with their rusty buckets, non existent safety policies, falsified Jackanory style passenger manifests and hapless crews call their threatened stoppage a “holiday”. They must have max Clifford doing their PR.

Fact of the matter is we all know we’re in a slump.

The financial situation dictates that everybody is liable to take a hit in their pocket. Either less money or more work just to stand still. It’s doubly hard when the media either illustrate real cases of unearned wealth and sometimes greed, MP’s expenses, bankers bonuses etc plus often inflated stories which adorn such rags as the Daily Mail and Sun (don’t bother denying it girls, you’ve been sued too often for that).

So those of us who remember the dock strikes of the ‘60’s (Jack Dash, immortalised in cockney rhyming slang and epitaph – All he ever wanted, Was to separate them from their Cash) picket lines of the ‘70’s and the riots of the ‘80’s can put away the rose tinted 3D specs of nostalgia and get ready for the Summer of discontent.

Don’t dare to consider next Winter.

And, in case you're wondering, anyone can go on strike if they feel strongly enough. This photo is of the New York Barbers Union striking in 1913 - dare I say against job cuts?

Just remember self interest generally triumphs over the public good (present company excepted).

Oh, but by the way, if you are a ferry worker employed on the cross channel run next month don’t even dream about striking. I’ve got tickets for France v England at the Parc des Princes and I really, really don’t want to swim there.

NEWS from the Home Front (or a touch of Politics)

UK - So, at last, we are out of recession! Wednesday saw street parties and tickertape parades all around the country as the Prime Minister came good on his word and we stormed back into the black.

I strongly suggest overseas readers stop reading here and return to consider a mist inducing set of false memories. Small boys bowling hoops down a country road, gents in bowler hats reading the (proper sized) London Times and giving up seats for ladies, brownies helping old dears across the road and carrying their shopping.

What follows is strictly for home consumption only.

0.1% !!! 0.1%. Who are you kidding Gordon, are you actually serious?

The unelected PM with his unelected Dark Lord scanner controller says he thinks the worst is over. What that tiny, miniscule, ridiculous percentage means is that, in the month we all went mad for Christmas and spent every penny we could, we appeared to stop the plunge into a black financial abyss we have been falling toward for the past two years or more.

Now ask yourself, would you let him look after your kids?

Let alone run a country.

I have to stop now, I need the blood pressure tablets (or I would if I had such things).

.......

Enough, let us lighten the mood and fiddle whilst Rome (or Blighty) burns.

So what else is new?

The despised Blair appeared before the Beak like a nervous, skinny version of the Fat Owl of the Remove.

What’s with the shaking and sweating Tone?     And Lord did he shake and sweat.

How many weeks has he kept the wide mouth frog up reciting his answers to the inevitable awkward questions. What a sight that would be, fly on wall etc. Two lawyers cross questioning and answering across the flowery duvet.

“No Tony you idiot you didn’t agree anything on Georges ranch! Do try and pay attention.”

I don’t trust the man but watching him I was minded about the scene from the film of “Clear and Present danger” the Tom Clancy classic when Harrison Ford says to the President in reference to an old colleague murdered whilst drug smuggling “Just tell them he WAS my Friend”.

I was not disappointed, Blair used, I thought, exactly the right tactics (at the enquiry that is , not the war).

Saddam did take part in a war with a million deaths, he did gas thousands of his own people, he did murder 100,000 Kurds.

If he had any WMD’s tucked under the settee believe me, the son of a bitch would have used them given the chance. He didn’t have any BECAUSE he’d used them.

He ignored twelve UN sanctions (so what bloody use are they) so why wouldn’t he just carry on regardless.

So all in all Mr B that’s the very first time I thought you took the right line. So. Why so nervous?

The boss tells me it’s a conspiracy, and she IS normally right.

Get her indoors started about the mysterious death of Dr Kelly and the loathsome A. Campbell, former literary pornographer, and she’ll go off like Old Faithfull with a dose of Montezuma’s Revenge.

So what can we take from this.

Well, politicians are usually a waste of space. Something inherent in our current system is not working. As I remember my History, Britain started, as far back as is worth talking about, with a King as head of state, feudal Lords under him and the “commons” at the bottom.

Move forward a few centuries and we’d demoted the royal blood to the bottom (head to the bottom of an executioners basket in one case) politically, Lords still in the middle, but only with a limited power of veto, and what is laughably known now as the House of Commons actually making the laws. Now, that’s fine and dandy when you have a basis of honest well intentioned do-gooders in the aforementioned Commons.

We however, have a chamber mostly manned, or at least run by, a bunch of self serving professional politicians. They have whips (they call them whips for Gods sake) to control their “parties” and have their cake and eat it.

Now I’m sorry these are not the common people, half of them wouldn't want to sit at the same table as a "commoner", these guys don’t inhabit the same planet Earth.

In all the “common” places I’ve ever worked a bloke coming up using a combination of promises and blackmail to get you to agree with something you didn’t would normally end the conversation with a degree of embarrassment or possibly a fat lip. I know it’s a cliché to harp on about the expenses scandal but I think it’s worthwhile “lest we forget” as they say.

These people are thieves. Now I have known many villains in my long and some might say colourful career, but at least, when confronted with the facts, they admitted they were somewhat less than perfect.

This lot can’t even do that, if they can use the “within the rules” defence they will, even when to any observer it was good old fiddling the expenses. Rory says it better than me.............

Now, I understand, prospective dads are to receive equal rights in paternity leave as their spouses do. If the wife returns to work early, the new dad can have the time off instead.

Don’t get me wrong, if you work for a big group company then fair enough. We do not however all work for big companies. Having heard a (female) spokesman (oops person) for womens rights admit in an interview she would never employ a woman of childbearing age in her small business for obvious reasons, it seems this Government is oblivious once again to reality.

Those of us who have run small businesses with three or four employees know that to lose one to a Government regulation could cripple the firm. Small businesses need separate legislation for all these matters, not a Government so inexperienced in real world commerce that they make up such stupid regulations.

We could be in France!

So that’s the Captains view of the current state of British Politics.

To sum up a disliked and , in many eyes, disgraced former PM, the current incumbent with a lower popularity rating than any of his predecessors (and that’s saying something) being overseen by a pretend aristocrat who has been disgraced three times after a fashion that, in any other age would have seen him banished from public life forever.

A cabinet of ill found jumped up wannabes without the courage to step up, a handful of other disgraced colleagues, the main opposition viewed by many as a schoolboy gang of braying toffs, a second opposition who has one MP who anyone knows and a House of Commons packed to the gills with a plethora of very ‘umble Uriah Heep characters who you wouldn’t sleep in the same room as.

So, out of recession?

That’s good then.