Welcome Aboard The Black Pig - Shipping & Freight Blog

Progress beyond our Wildest Dreams

Firstly, the apology.

Regular readers have been asking why the usual erratic publication of the Black Pig Blog has been even more so of late.

The explanation is simple, no time.

As we all have to do in our busy modern lives the Captain has had to prioritise of late – there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to do it all and the demands of the Handy Shipping Guide have meant 7 days a week working from the whole team (well except the four days we all bu**ered off to Yorkshire).

For those that don’t know the Guide operates from five main centres, three in the UK, one in France and the other in Thailand (the lucky ones).

As half the Thai office are in the UK this month everyone has been busy proving how efficient they are and time has been very short.

As to the title of this blog, the truth is we always expected the Guide to be successful, just that most didn’t foresee how fast we would get so far.

Still, the best kind of pressure is that which means you have too much to do rather than too little – especially when times are hard.

One of the joys of web publishing is that you can continue to work no matter where you are on the globe.

Well that’s what the manual said.

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 Biggest load of BS along with the paperless office and your cheque’s in the post.

The Paperless Office (Not)

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In the last few months the Captain has seen more communication breakdowns than the West Bank. The internet is a wonderful tool just like a petrol strimmer, except of course when the petrol runs out. . . . . A word of advice. If you ever need a suitable photo to illustrate a comment like that last one, don’t type ‘Broken Tool’ into the Google Image Search with your adult content censor switched off.

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I did and I had to go and lie down after the first three pictures showed up.

The UK is a wonderful place to live and work, a fact we who live here tend to forget (Clue: If lots of people want to move from their country to your country you are probably luckier than you realize).

The problem is our office enjoys a fast efficient broadband service, a must when you do what we do for a living. When away into the wilds  (have you BEEN to Yorkshire) using the dodgy old roaming, mortgage your daughters by the minute, steam driven web connection can drive one potty.

I appreciate that it’s nice to be busy, and it’s simply fantastic that the Guide is now read in 212 countries.

I’ve been in the freight game for over forty years

(Blimey, how old is this guy?)

and I wasn’t even sure there WERE 212 countries, and there are at least 20 of them I can’t even spell.

So for any of our many readers who don’t know exactly what ‘potty’ means here is my excuse to demonstrate.

We won’t be away so long next time.

Airships - I Think Not !!!

Firstly apologies for the lack of blogs lately.

The pressures of keeping the Directory current have necessitated neglecting something and the blog was it (alright, alright the Captain has just left the bridge for an extended period).

I hope we shall go back to regular rants at the world.

Starting Now.

According to a report in yesterday’s Guardian we in the shipping world are about to see a revolution in transport logistics.

Apparently we are on the brink of starting to use ‘blimps’ otherwise known as airships to ferry our cargoes around the world.

Now call me a cynic, and I know many of you do, but this must surely have been written by Phil Space, he of Private Eye fame. The final paragraph of the guardian report ends “The craze for blimps came to an abrupt halt after the death of many people when the Hindenburg caught fire in New Jersey, US. However research and development languished but never halted."

The clue would seem to be right there - that bit about death just somehow catches my eye.

Now if any of you don't know the fate of the Hindenburg, it prompted one of the most evocative, and famous, pieces of radio journalism in history.

And therein, Ms Juliette Jowit author of this sterling piece, lies the clue.

The problem with your article is it is patently written by someone with little or no knowledge of logistics after reading a report by someone who is being paid to investigate any way possible to cut carbon emissions, no matter how crazy the notions.

But what about that friendly looking Goodyear blimp?

That never has a problem does it?

Take a gander sweetheart.

Yes, blimps can lift a lot of weight, yes they can travel relatively quickly these days.

The problem is dear JJ that they have the aeronautical qualities of the same Helium balloons you let go of at country fairs which then fly off to be found by a child in Ethiopia or Tunbridge Wells or, far more likely to end up starving a sea turtle who thinks they’re a jellyfish.

They not only don’t come close to the tiny percentage of world freight shipped by air in terms of delivery times, there is no guarantee you can launch them in even a mild blow.

Just imagine, in recent times we have seen ships carried miles inland by the force of storms, we have seen New Orleans devastated, Haiti ruined all by the power of nature.

How much will it cost Ms Jowit to get you out from behind your laptop and onto the end of an airships mooring rope in a relatively moderate force six?

Or you might face unforeseen and fatally mysterious problems like the one which destroyed the USS Macon as shown here in this hitherto unseen video......

I am sure there is room for a little more use of dirigibles in transport but the only way to find out the limitations is liable to cost more in terms of financial investment, and more particularly human life, than most would think worthwhile. As a sales pitch to draw the ever ready save the planet vote blimps may be fine, but for moving cargo in quantity and to make a REAL difference let’s just concentrate on practical ways to shift our goods around the world, use local sources wherever possible and leave it to the experts who haven’t got a vested interest. So I leave you with one last video which is symbolic, if not accurate when traditional shipping methods are faced by the "new" technology of airship logistics.

So Where Are those Ruddy Horseman ? Not on Our Patch.

Ahhh.

The sounds of British conversation, weather, weather, moan Ruddy Icelandics, coming over here, nicking our cash, exporting their air………..

Volcanic ash then, what’s that all about ?

Coldest may night in forty years.

Now there’s ANOTHER breakdown in the Channel Tunnel.

Can’t get any consignments there on time.

All we need then is a hurricane and dear old blighty can say the four men in black are riding their trusty steeds across the UK (common misconception that, they actually had a colour scheme more Viv Westwood than Alvin Stardust).

Take a look.

I don’t want to get biblical on your backsides but look at the facts:

Pestilence, (that’s the geezer on the white horse) fires his arrows into the crowd. What could that be then, swine flu? SARS? MRSA?

Pick a bug, any bug, let’s face it the biggest problem for most caused by the recent flu outbreak (considering it didn’t happen) was that the dear old Labour Government had spent millions upon millions buying in a vaccine which didn’t work and wasn’t necessary.

OK, OK. The Captain is a closet conspiracy theorist, but consider that, a few months before this stuff reached its sell by date they spread the vaccine amongst every GP in the country with instructions to “save the old and vulnerable” (and I don’t think they meant the government).

Every “Health Trust” (now there’s a contradiction in terms) in the country was coerced into spending hundreds of thousands of pounds on what seemingly was a useless, or near as dammit, preventative.

Now doesn’t that make you think maybe someone needed to save face?

Approach an election when you have to admit you’ve just slung millions of pounds worth of pharmaceuticals down the pan?

War, you don’t need me to figure that one out. Type in Wooton Basset or Helmand Province into your News browser.

Famine, (how come no grub equals the black horse, I’d have thought Death would have put up more of a fight for that one, maybe Famine used the old putrefaction argument, no, hang on, Death’s mount is pale green???).

Anyway, famine. Now the UK argument begins to run out of steam around here.

When the Captain’s hungry, he goes to the fridge just like most of his countrymen. None of us starve.

Consider that statement for five seconds.

None of us starve.

So maybe we should widen out this complaint into the ether to a global scenario and suddenly it all starts to make a lot more sense.

Pestilence, War, Famine and Death (you didn’t need assembly instructions for the Death argument).

When JC opened the fourth seal at the right hand of God (I can’t believe I’m going along with this) he released these four agents of evil upon the World, with me so far?

The World.

Not Folkestone, London Heathrow or Leamington Spa, but the lot of us.

As I don’t go much for the big beardy man (either ecumenically or sexually) I’m going to give Saint John the Evangelist who “revealed” all this stuff the benefit, and allow for the fact that this whole four blokes on gee gees is in fact a metaphor, although why he had to slander the son of God for releasing it on us when he came up with the tale goes right over my bonce.

We in the UK live in a wonderful world, the nature of which we fail to notice on an everyday basis.

When a drifting cloud of debris prevents us coming back from a short Spanish trip (don’t ask, 10 hours drive to Bilbao, hire car, hotel, ferry……), or a train gets stuck in the tunnel we seem to feel we have a hard life.

Not so.

The election dust having settled we know we’re in for a hard time, most of us look to the future with more than a little trepidation. Many will lose jobs, many more see living standards plummet, aspirations will need to be reined in.

Just don’t tell me it’s hard before you look at the wider picture.

They say a child dies every 17 seconds for lack of water on a planet where it covers most of the surface.

Next time I whinge in this column feel free to criticise.

.....(now come on be fair, I don’t care how devout you are, Death? Pale Green? What’s that all about?).

UK Election – What About The Freight And Shipping Sectors Gentlemen

Industry Representatives Say Talk is Cheap – But We Don’t Even Hear That

UK – With the UK General Election only days away, comments by leaders of the big three parties relevant to the shipping and transport industries are virtually non existent, evasive, or perceived as mere rhetoric by logistics analysts and representatives. The Road Haulage Association (RHA) launched another attack on what many industry watchers feel are merely insubstantial and vague policies.

The RHA point out that the ruling Labour Party position is for what they call “regular real term increases” (why use one adjective when two or three will do) with “tackling road congestion a key Labour priority” whatever that means.

They say the Conservatives will ‘consult’ on the introduction of a ‘Fair Fuel Stabiliser’ that would cut fuel duty when oil prices rise but increase it when they fall. That should be interesting as they give no clear indication what price levels will be set or how they will measure the fluctuations and over what periods. They will also fund new road projects through increased toll schemes.

The Liberal Democrats seem determined to simply avoid virtually any mention of what their targets for the industry are other than to say that “HGV’s will be charged to pay to fund high speed rail links”. Hard to see the connection on that one without any further details. Generally it is accepted that HSR projects are for the benefit of passengers, not freight carriers and yet apparently the Lib Dems seem to think the haulage industry should pay for further tax burdens to fund what is then presumably impractical schemes if left to fund themselves.

As the RHA say to add insult to injury, the party’s plans for re-opening closed rail lines and adding extra tracks will be paid for “by cutting the major roads budget”. Far from confidence-inspiring for the road user.

BIGOT - Street Definition 

BROWN IS GONE ON THURSDAY. Not Premier Browns finest Hour.

The PM is pictured showing his true feelings (for once) after being caught out leaving his microphone on and referring to a lifelong Labour Party supporter as "a bigoted woman".

This trend of obfuscation when it comes to setting out clear manifesto commitments and substituting general statements which are merely sound bites is one of the main reasons there is currently such a lack of confidence in voters across the country.

It would appear that the three main parties are so scared of demonstrating to the electorate just how bad things are, and consequently the draconian measures they will be bound to take to re-correct the economy, whilst falling over themselves in desperation to keep or obtain employment that, whoever one chooses to vote for, you will probably get a Peppa Pig in a poke. 

Photo Courtesy of Channel 5

Sleep Apnoea (apnea ? ) and the Commercial Truck Driver

A subject close to the Captain’s heart (and brain) this week.

Much has been made lately, particularly by our American friends, for the need for proper rest periods for interstate freight truck drivers. Many in Europe will look down their noses at this protestation as most trucking organisations seem determined to avoid the imposition of tachographs, the ‘spy in the cab’ found in all EU lorries and which were originally resisted by drivers there.

By using easily forged log books many in Europe believe their cousins out West are missing the point. A tachograph provides incontrovertible evidence of a drivers work pattern. No boss can insist a trucker exceeds working hours regulations, no gung ho, drive all night, lunatic can pop a Benzedrine and fill in a time sheet worthy of Hans Christian Andersen. But sleepy truck drivers cause horrific accidents – lots of them.

There is however one aspect of the drivers rest argument that the Yanks are starting to take seriously.

Sleep Apnoea, an extremely common disorder, particularly amongst those of us over endowed in the waistline department.

A condition particularly prevalent amongst men and even more common when the man is a fat b------d who sits at the wheel of a lorry all day munching anything that isn’t green (with the possible exception of old pizza slices found in the footwell which he convinces himself ‘must be Jalapeno’s’).

Your author and editor was diagnosed with this condition after going a few rounds with a bloke in a long black cloak and an agricultural bent several years ago.

Sleep disorders of this type are now rampant and perhaps now is the time to explain a few facts to those who perhaps feel they are just a minor irritation (formerly guilty m’lud).

The term Apnoea comes from the Greek for breathe therefore it doesn’t need a lot of explaining that literally we are talking here of ‘sleep breath’, or rather we’re not; perhaps it should be called ‘sleep lack of apnoea’. Any road up what happens is you stop breathing; completely. There you are, having a nice kip, and you simply cease respiring.

Now after a while, sometimes quite a while, the brain realises it is about to die and decides to wake you up. Of course the biggest problem with this scenario is that unless you have sensible Mrs Captain lying next to you all night and giving you a sensitive, caring jab to the ribs every time you decide inhalation has gone out of fashion, you may well not know you even have a problem.

So here are some clues.

If you wake up with a headache like you drank a quart of tequila, dark rum and creosote the night before but in fact you went to bed with a cup of Horlicks, then it’s time to go see the man.

There is usually a questionnaire to complete (at least in the UK) which asks you to rate from 1 -10 how likely you are to fall asleep in certain situations, sitting quietly at home or in a traffic queue, that sort of thing.

If you are a candidate they kit you out with a mini recorder and some Velcro belts and sticky pads and you wear this lot when you get your next nights kip. After the subsequent computer read out you’ll be told if you have apnoea.

Now let’s get this straight, this is not just about you dozing off in the pm with a book.

It isn’t even about the numerous accidents, many fatal, that occur worldwide every month when truck drivers fall asleep at the wheel, although you might want to think about that.

No, this is just to let you know that what you have is a damn sight more dangerous than you probably know. When your brain jerks you awake or kicks off that big deep breath in the night when it thinks it’s dying – THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS.

The human body has very little storage capacity for oxygen. Unlike our marine cousins the whales and dolphins after three minutes without oxygen permanent brain damage will occur. A couple more minutes and it’s goodnight Vienna.

But damage starts to occur even earlier and as your sats (Oxygen saturation levels, not the school test dummy) drop, so brain cells start to shuffle of this mortal coil (they snuff it).

CO2 levels build up and that’s why you end up with a head like one of Keith Moon’s drum kits (God bless him).

Now the good news is that there is no need for anyone living in a civilised country to suffer; even better, there’s no surgery involved and the cure can stop your premature death (and that is what is occurring) in its tracks.

As I say, that’s the good news, obviously different strokes for different folks but generally you’ll end up with a treatment similar to that which your Captain (and the skipper’s wife) have enjoyed (note from Captainess ‘tolerated) for seven years or so.

Usually in cases of apnoea the cure consists of using a breathing aid, a Bi-pap or C-pap machine, which recognises when you stop and simply pumps the requisite amount of air into your lungs before damage occurs.  

This means wearing a mask all night and breathing via the machine.

You will look like the ghost of Hans or Lotte Hass or a late entry in the gimp convention (weekend wear section) and you will sound to your partner like Tiger Woods following twelve naked lovelies round the golf course, but you should get a good night’s sleep.

But much, much more importantly, if you’re out driving regularly there is far less chance that you’ll doze off and murder someone.

So, even if our friends in the USA finally decide that 21st century rig technology is for them, if you are a driver of car, van whatever, take a while to check it out if you have any symptoms, you might make a lot of people very happy, without them even knowing.

Pictures (from the top):

They Even Fell Asleep Early last Century,

The Who (just as I remember 'em),

Hans Hass (sans Lotte)

and

Some bloke (not yours truly, that would be too horrible) wearing a C-Pap mask and looking like he's undergoing simultaneous proctology.